*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
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If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.