I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
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Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be