Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
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What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”