God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
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My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”