A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
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I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
me adding lol on a serious message