Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
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If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Today’s Times
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.