I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
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My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Worst bar ever.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
next question.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*