[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
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There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT