Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
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The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming