I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
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Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN