so weird how every mom was born today
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“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Sending in my taxes
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure