About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
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4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
what is cheese if not milk persevering
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”