Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
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On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
You’ll be OK
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Best seat on the street 😍
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me: