Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
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I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.