When news reporters do sports stories
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There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!