Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
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Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Note to self: I am a note
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Everyone’s family
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.