Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
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I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
accurate
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?