This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
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Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
it must be school picture day
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’