interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
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at ease…shoulder.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
bugs when you lift up a rock
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
This kid is going places
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
*puts cutlery down*