Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account