My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
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I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake