Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
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Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
This could be us but you eatin’
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it