My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
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[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
let’s discuss
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!