Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
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Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*