2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
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Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Kidney stones? Hard pass
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Cat.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.