I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
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If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations