The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
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Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
damn he’s good
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find