Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
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I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Rambo Rambow
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.