First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
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I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*