your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
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Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.