“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
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“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
I have two kinds of followers
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?