Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
You Might Also Like
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways