I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
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Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
fair
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..