That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
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never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.