I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
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For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong