sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
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Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Cheers Twitter.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.