*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
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A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.