I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
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my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
My patience has stretch marks.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.