Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
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Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty