“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
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whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.