While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
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How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I’m tired tomorrow.
Terribly Tuesday.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
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My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.