BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
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law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
everyone has that one prude friend
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
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Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?