I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
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ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic