the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
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If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Put the is in disheveled
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.