Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
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I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
This is not me but this is me
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”