Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
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I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
shit just got real
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Kids, do not try this at home!
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.