[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
You Might Also Like
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Scream sneezers need love too.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.