I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
There’s always that one guy
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
🤣🤣🤣