No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
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Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)