If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
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My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
New favorite tiktok
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.